Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

favorite tropes as memes

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

#NoRestForTheWicked

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.