Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.