*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.