Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.