[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.