[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
But that’s none of my business