*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
when you are just born a rebel
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My Guy
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Something Saturday.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.