@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

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@kelseydarragh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

@Cheeseboy22

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

@cottoncandaddy

date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom

@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.

@Ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?