@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

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@maisondecris

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

@HowToBeADad

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@RunOldMan

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

@inanimatecorpse

I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

@KingRainhead

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

@wilw

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.