*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715