@cwhudson
@maisondecris
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
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@maisondecris
@HowToBeADad
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
@CharlesFinch
They did not think through this water fountain
@mishakey
Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
@GrandadJFreeman
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
@RunOldMan
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
@inanimatecorpse
I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich
@flyafuckingkite
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
@KingRainhead
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
@wilw
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.