Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

But that’s none of my business

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Florida be like…

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.