I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.