*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
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I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
