*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
🐕🍷
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Happens to everyone.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.