*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.


Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.


If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.


Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.


SATAN: Welcome to hell
ME: That’s nice, giving me a welcome
S: I never thought of it like that
M: You’re a nice guy
S: *tearing up* no u are


Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA


In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour


I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.