Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
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Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.
Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
SATAN: Welcome to hell
ME: That’s nice, giving me a welcome
S: I never thought of it like that
M: You’re a nice guy
S: *tearing up* no u are
Goodnight wifi connected devices
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
“no problem” -me lying
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Will Will chase Chase?