Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

crazy

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Eat…

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.