[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”