[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
You Might Also Like
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”