Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

How actors in movies eat their food

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.