Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

?

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Only Americans understand

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.