Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.