[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL