Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

describing stardew valley

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.