[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
#TopTip
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…