[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Real bees work best
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
this is uni
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything