Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

I need a long hot meteor shower

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.