Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.