[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
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Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Wait a minute
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.