I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Dishonest mechanic?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”