Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars