<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Finally a use for spoilers…
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
😲 WTF? 😆
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.