Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

thank god the sign was there

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.