(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You Might Also Like
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.