(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You Might Also Like
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
the last thing a carrot sees
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Most Common Source of Electricity
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell