Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I have so many questions.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
won’t smith
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?