*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
How animals would run if they were human
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
