Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]