Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once