*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
You Might Also Like
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…