*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.