*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?