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@errdayhustlah: *gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
@TheAlexNevil: Is it "nemesis" or "nemeses"? I'm renewing my wedding vows.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My desires are... unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)
@weinerdog4life: *releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
@StellaRtwot: I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
@Gupton68: C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.