Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs