Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

as is their right

Me redecorating every room in my mind

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.