Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.