[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Print is alive and well!!!
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.