[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
You Might Also Like
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Yup.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir