[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.


My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.


A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake


Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.


Damn, girl are you Twitter?

Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.


Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.


them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.


millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late