Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Damn, girl are you Twitter?
Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.
Me: We are a team.
Me: We are in this together.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
alexander hamilton: wait.
millennial: i wish for death
boomer genie: did you say debt
boomer genie: too late