[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.