*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
You Might Also Like
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number