*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Spring of Deception
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.