Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Does beer think about me too?

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

*jingles half the way*

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL