*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
S M O L
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.