*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
You Might Also Like
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Oh we’ve met.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
some things should go without saying
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.