Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed