*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Personal question. #JustSaying
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available