Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

dutch so unserious

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.