*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..