*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?