*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
constantly working on myself.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Breaking news:
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me