*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“Sheer Arrogance”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”