*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
The struggle is real
