Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

respect

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

it be like that

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up