@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

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@jctwritesstuff

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

@TheHyyyype

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

@joshcomers

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

@AbbieEvansXO

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

@Carrie_Rachel

In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.

@FeelingEuphoric

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@WickedDarkEyes

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
Oreos.

@Browtweaten

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy