@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

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@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

@StephJoLanders

Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@psybermonkey

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@EllaZee5

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

@SardonicTart

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

@prufrockluvsong

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

@brynnester

Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space

@someonelikesmeg

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”