*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.