*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine