*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.