*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex


Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.


My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.


Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.


-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.


Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.


Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.


1) It’s not very hard


“When covids over!!” Sounding a lot like “yesss we need to hang soon!” these days