@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

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@AnOrangeSNES

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@dubiousrhetoric

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.

@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

@_geetaiyer_

“When covids over!!” Sounding a lot like “yesss we need to hang soon!” these days