*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.