Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Who’s your best friend?

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.