Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me