Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

ㅤ

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.