Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

But I really needed water water water

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!