Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

I have obtained a hat

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Extremely relatable.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Room with a view.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.