Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

“No way.” -Jose

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Thank you corporation very cool

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.