*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Born to be mild.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
True statement👍😏😁
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
this got me crying😭😭
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…