Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔