*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
This is always good for a laugh.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket