*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
a public service announcement
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
tourist season
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
lmao
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”