Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

A roof is a house hat.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”