Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just as the prophecy foretold

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps